Looking back, I can see that most of my childhood had been me trying to appease others in various ways. I tried to be a good boy to avoid whipping from my father, I lied to be interesting to my peers, I tried to fit in so they would like me, I lied to gain acceptance. I did what my mother said because it pleased her, and what my father said because I feared him. I hated myself because that’s what would please god, so I was told indirectly.
In college I think I realized that it wasn’t working. People used me to get a good grade, yet spoke I’ll of me behind my back. I treated many people poorly then because I new of the things they said but not to my face. But I failed to truly realize that their acceptance was unattainable, as they excluded me not because of what I did, my actions, or how I treated them. They excluded me because of who I was, how I walked, how I talked, how gay I seemed, how good I was in school, how unlike them I was. Then I stopped trying to be like them.